Another Toy Fair has come and gone, and Noisy was nice enough to compile all those different links and bits of information into a comprehensive post. I’m sure glad that’s not my job. He’s given you the facts, now it’s time for the opinions. Mr. Rant style.

Hasbro

I’m going to have to admit I can’t give Hasbro much flak for its handling of the Marvel Universe line. Getting characters like Mary Jane or Kitty Pryde with pack-ins like Mrs. Lion and Lockheed is what fans who want to collect the whole universe are looking for. And what can I say about that Galactus besides “Holy Starfruit”, he’s everything that build-a-figures aspired to be without having to be one. So, Mattel, for doing so well with these two lines, you get an official “Mr. Rant Cookie of Congeniality”. This is, as you all know, the highest honor one can receive from Mr. Rant in cookie form.

But it wasn’t all wonderful in the Hasbro booth. No offense to you Transformers fans out there, but the upcoming Transformers line is looking rather boring. I’m done with the movie style, or any style derivative of it. I also don’t want to see any more G1 crap. If you want a toy from your childhood, then go to Ebay. Don’t clog up my Toys R Us pegs with retro-nonsense. You know what I really want to see?

World War 1 Transformers. Or a hybrid Transformers/GI Joe line. Those could make for some amazing toys, but the folks at Hasbro haven’t been able to make the connection yet I suppose. To keep with the food them, Transformers get the “Donut Hole of Meh”.

GI Joe? I don’t have much to say here. I saw nearly all of that stuff at Joe Con, so wake me when it reaches store shelves. Oh, wait. There is one thing, that awesome mail-in Cobra Commander? It’s now an extremely rare chase figure. Thanks for that, Joe team. You’ve taken a figure we could all get with a little work and turned it into a ripe scalping opportunity. For that, you get the “Dropped Line Watermelon”.

Mattel

Masters of the Universe had some pretty cool stuff. We got a giant yellow and green gorilla. A dentist. A comb/battle axe. I don’t know why that hasn’t been thought of before. It’s the perfect accessory for those girl barbarians that have to cleave on the go. There was a battle pack of accessories that I don’t know what to do with since I don’t have a weapons rack to put them on. Speaking of which, what use do I have with an extra Horde crossbow when I only have one member of the Horde? And what the mangosteen am I supposed to do with pink Zodak armor?

But it wasn’t all mindboggling. I really liked Keldor. He’s really good if you ignore the fact that he doesn’t come with a burning face or his 200X sword. Why does he need his 200X sword? For the same reason that He-Man, Hordak, Merman, Teela, Webstor, TriKlops, Whiplash, Evil Lyn, and King Randor have their 200X accessories. Because it just makes the figure cooler and gives those 200Xers out there a little love. For this, you get the “Rice Cake of Duh”.

Mattel also took this opportunity to give us the first crazy toy mash-up since Ninja Turtles joined with Star Trek. DCU & MOTU 2 Packs. Now, I’ll concede that the Superman/He-Man pack makes some perverted sense because of that old comic even if it’s difficult for new fans to access (i.e. out of print). What you reprinted it? Oh, okay then. Now everyone can see how awful it was. What you have to really appreciate in this line though is Mattel’s overlooking of common sense and their plans to continue this strange amalgamated abomination. Lex Luthor vs. Skeletor, really? Why is Lex even fighting Skeletor in the first place? Why is Lex using Kryptonite on Skeletor? When is Skeletor sword made of yellow kryptonite? Yes folks, it seems all logic has flown out the window with this “toy line”. I wonder what could be next: Gentleman Ghost vs. Scareglow, Black Manta vs. Mer-man, Grodd vs. Gygor? The insanity may never end, so MOTU gets the “Spicy Asian Chicken of Madness”.

DC Classics was exciting, or at least it would have been if they didn’t give most of the reveals to Toyfare. Mattel kind of spoiled themselves on that one didn’t they? They did reveal two figures of an upcoming Green Lantern 5 pack. Have you heard? You get Guy Gardner and Tomar Re and all you have to do is buy a third Hal Jordan, a second John Stewart, and a tiny Sinestro head on a normal Hal body because the Deadman body while being perfect of Sinestro is somehow now perfect. So, enjoy your $50 Green Lantern Corps of Previously Made Earthmen. Also, why does the comatose, near death, on life support JLU line get cool accessories with their figures like Kandor while we DCUC fans get buttons? The DC Universe is full of props to load into the line, so stop being so stingy. And $20 for Lobo? It’s the “Calamari of Overpricedness” for you.

Ghostbusters, what do I say? We’re never going to get that incredibly scary sculpt of Sam Hein from the Four Horsemen. Sigh. Oh, and don’t place a ghost trap next to Walter Peck if he’s not going to come with one. For a moment, I was excited that we’d have two traps. But, no. You put two traps in the display even though you only get one if you buy all the figures. Nice. “Breakfast Cereal of Defeat” for you.

DC Direct

Were you even there? Oh, those statues in the corner? Jonah Hex figures are in the Neca Booth? Moving on…

Diamond

You somehow made Minimates cooler than they were, but at the same time you don’t seem to know what to do with the Star Trek line in any of its forms. Sure would be nice to get more than one of those cool starships per year. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you’ll figure your starfruit out, so it’s the “Peach of Fortitude” for you.

Bandai

Gee, thanks for making more retro Power Rangers figures, even those little squash down ones. Oh wait, still no Rita? We’re no longer on speaking terms. Get your stuff and get out, and take your “Rack of Lamb Failure” with you.

BifBangPow

I saved you for last, BBP. You’ve licensed one of my favorite TV shows, a show I was hoping to get toys of someday. You’ve taken that show, and instead of producing a line of highly sought after, well sculpted, six inch, fully articulated, fits in with DCUC figures, you’ve given me a Mego abomination. I hate Mego dolls, and I don’t care who knows it. Sure, they were cool back in their day. I’m sure the children of the seventies walked into toy stores and seeing Mego dolls was something akin to the “monkey meets the monolith scene” in 2001: A Space Odyssey. But it’s 2010 last I checked, and people know that toys no longer need to wear real clothes. The technology to mass produce accurately sized heads on bodies with useful and effective articulation exists.

I don’t begrudge Mego fans. They can buy all the oven mitt wearing remakes of DC, Marvel, and Star Trek characters they want, but that’s not the format for new toys. We don’t need Lost figures that look like scary voodoo dolls and we don’t need the Venture Bros. figures as less than accurate dolly versions of characters that deserve real toys. Just a big bowl of “Disappointment Pasta” here.

Oh, and I really enjoyed Toy Fair. Can’t wait ‘til next year…