Undead G-Man – Think pulp hero. Hard-as-nails detectives or G-men busting down doors and busting up thugs. What could possibly make them better? How about being a flaming spirit of vengeance?! But no, no it doesn’t. Seriously, an undead g-man? Worst part, this was created this year. Someone, just a few months ago, thought this was a great idea. It couldn’t get any worse.

Knuckles O’Shaugnessy – But it can get worse. The undead G-Man doesn’t just have eternal burning anger; he has an undead kid sidekick with a really tacky Irish stereotype name – wow. Again, this was created in 2009. If Knuckles and Undead G-Man were created on acid, I might understand.

Hell-Driver – Ladies and Gentlemen, coming to theaters this summer, the final installment you’ve all been waiting for “Smokey and the Bandit: The Last Hellride”. Let’s face it, if Ghost Rider can ride a motorcycle, why not drive a car? Well, because it’s stupid. A flaming guy on a motorcycle already plays off the angry archetype of a Hell’s Angel. A flaming guy in a convertible only plays off the image of a guy having a midlife crisis. A Spirit of Vengeance with the urge to date a 20-year old and get his ear pierced? Yeah, that works.

Devil Rig – And every Bandit needs his Snowman, right? Who else is going to chase down vampires that are pretending to be a sheriff and his deputy? Again folks, this was made this year. It’s 2009 and the best they can come up with is an undead Smokey and the Bandit. Editor’s Note:I think Ghost Bandit needs a monthly!!

Short Teeth – Normally, I love anthropomorphs, but we got a doozy this week. Imagine, you’re a super powerful group of warrior mystics that live between dimensions. What would you choose to look like? Rats, of course! RATS!!! What is wrong with these people? This could possibly be the lamest thing that will ever grace this column. Alien space bunnies have nothing on inter-dimensional human-sized rat warriors that for some reason just disappeared and left only one behind to roam the Earth…

Verminus Rex – And that brings us to Verminus Rex. The last remaining member of his race. He’s imbued with their immense power. That he uses… to scavenge the dead bodies of WWI soldiers. Really? That’s all he does? He’s the last member of a super race and he’s scavenging bodies. It’s no wonder his race is gone. They had a horrid understanding of their power. But he’s a rat, so he scavenges… with immense power. Loser.

Mister Eleven – Rat guy might be a loser, but good ol’ Mr. Eleven is just waiting to strike fear in your heart. And you will fear him because he is ELEVEN!!! *cough* What’s his real name? Who knows? What does he really look like? Who knows? They created a character where all you know is that he has a lame costume. His power is even better. He lies down next to dead people and transfers his soul or whatever it is. What else can he do? Nothing. Supposedly, he’s been playing both sides of heaven and hell – keeping them fighting forever. Yeah, that’s it. Somewhere, someone looked at this guy and felt he had accomplished something. He did, I guess, he bored me.

Hellcow – You are walking in a field and you feel that creep on the back of your neck. Then you hear it – a sound so chilling that you freeze in mid-step. The horrible laugh of the Hellcow!!! MOOOOOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Now get this, Dracula is so desperate for blood, he sucks the blood out of a cow… a COW! And with her newfound vampire powers, the cow goes to Cleveland, of all places. Cleveland. Why not the beautiful San Fernando Valley?! Anyway, she runs afoul of Howard the Duck (See what I did there? aFOUL, get it? He’s a duck… oh, never mind). They end up fighting in a grocery store where he stakes her. This is why animals don’t make good vampires. That and the constant animal stench at coven meetings.

Death Ninja – You’re a ninja cursed to live forever and dress stupidly. Naturally, you seek out Ghost Rider in the hopes that he’ll kill you. But when faced with your death, you have a change of heart and decide to just take his soul. Apparently, he forgot the part where he would look like a hobo ninja for eternity. He could get his soul back, but he’ll still look like an idiot.

Cycle Nurses – I feel I’ve saved the best for last. Sometimes in the process of finding the worst, you find some that you really want to dislike and trash. But, sometimes you just can’t bring yourself to do it. This is not one of those cases. A young boy dies for only a minute and goes to heaven before being resuscitated. A rogue angel decides to hold him hostage in heaven, but the boy goes back to his body and the angel has to send his helpers to watch over the boy. Since he’s in a hospital, they have to look like nurses for this to all make sense right? And I agree – good planning on his part. But it all falls apart in the long run. Do these nurses become super-demons with fangs and horns and spikes when Ghost Rider shows up? No! They stay as nurses! The really scary part isn’t that they’re nurses aren’t just using guns and knives to fight Ghost Rider. It’s that they almost won! When I finally create minions, I’m definitely keeping the nurse thing, but when in battle they’re going to turn into hell-powered pit bulls or something – not nurses with guns and gurneys. Ghost Rider comics are the home of some of the stupidest ideas in comics.